The Curse of the "Friend Zone"

Cats. Cats playing piano, cats yawning, cats falling off pieces of furniture or attacking the family dog. Oh, and most famous for the last year, Grumpy Cat, along with its many cartoon and meme versions. George Takei. Photo bombs. Lots of pictures of people's babies. (Not that I have anything against babies, of course.) 

Memes on philosophy, politics, gun rights, gay rights, and a multitude of other buzzword issues, often misspelled or with bad grammar. (Always having been a stickler for spelling and grammar, I find myself frustrated when someone has expended energy to create a meme on a serious issue and failed to proofread basic English.) Somehow, a large number of these manage to use an image of Willy Wonka (the Gene Wilder version) or one of the Founding Fathers, often with some quote of Franklin or Jefferson (actual or fabricated) to back up whatever point they're trying to make.

What all of these items have in common, of course, is their frequent appearance on Facebook, the ultimate evidence that you can find just about anything on the Internet. Not everything on the Internet, of course, can be as harmless as Grumpy Cat memes.  Every once in a while we come across comments, posts, and pages on social media sites  and articles that strike us as ignorant or demeaning toward individuals or groups. 

For the last few weeks, I've been bothered by a Facebook page called “You just got Friendzoned.” For those of you who aren't familiar with the “Friend Zone,” it's when you're friends with someone and want to be in a romantic or sexual relationship with them. They don't feel the same way, but want to continue being good friends. The more deeply you are in the Friend Zone, the harder it is to “achieve” the kind of relationship you want. For most of the people who buy into its existence, being in the Friend Zone is in some ways even worse than being flat-out rejected by the object of your affections. Let's face it. Getting turned down sucks. A lot, sometimes. 

That's why it's so important to keep in mind why we should want to be in a relationship with someone in the first place:  we like them. We think they're nice, and funny, and smart. They make us happy. How easily and imperceptibly feelings of warmth and affection can be taken over by bitterness toward the situation and creeping resentment toward the other person for not wanting a romantic relationship. 

A good friendship stops being enough; we need “more.” And when things don't go our way, what we see as our failure has to be someone's fault. That's what bothers me about “You just got Friendzoned.” The page implies that there are several reasons why a romantic relationship isn't happening, and all of them place primary blame on the other person. They have emotional issues; they'd prefer to be in a relationship with “jerks”; they're too scared of ruining the friendship. An amazing relationship is right there in front of them, but they're too blind to see it. It should be a no-brainer. So “You just got Friendzoned” sends out a warning:  if you want to continue being friends with someone that likes you, you should go out with them before they start ignoring you out of frustration. The idea that there simply isn't any mutual attraction isn't even considered. 

The Facebook page is, I hope, a bit of an extreme expression of the resentment and bitter disappointment that can be generated when we place our own expectations and desires for what a relationship should be at the forefront. From unrequited romances to our interactions with family and friends, the emotions, needs, and wants of the people we claim to have feelings for often fall by the wayside. In his letter to the Philippians, the apostle Paul gives some simple advice on how we should approach our interactions:  “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” (2:3-4) When we think about it, it's so obvious that our actions and words should be centered around love for other people. Our priority should be to serve, to be what other people need us to be, rather than allowing our desire for possession and control to prevent us from being the most positive force we can be in their lives. 

This selflessness, Jesus said, is what true greatness is really about, and how the interactions of his followers should be ordered. As he explained to his disciples:  “Whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave.” (Matthew 20:26-27) As usual, he didn't just teach empty words. Through his daily interactions with those who had come to be healed and taught, and in the sacrifice he made for his friends and for all generations, he's provided us with the standard for how we should try to live in this world, and with a concept of love untouched by selfish considerations. “This is how we know what love is:  Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.” (1 John 3:16) That's where our concept of love should be centered. Not in how we can benefit from a situation or get what we want from the amazing people we've encountered, but in an unrestrained, Christ-like willingness to impact lives for the better.  

In order to reconfigure our love for others, we have to be vigilant, to be constantly aware of our emotions and motivations, of how our words and actions will affect those we claim to care so much about. Egotism will often creep in, preventing us from having the full and healthy relationships that God wants us to have with one another. To a lesser or greater extent, our interactions will always be marked by brokenness in this world. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't try. As followers of Jesus, we should strive to follow the example he's set for selflessness in our relationships. If that means we get stuck in the “Friend Zone” every once in a while, so be it. That's love. 

(There is, of course, a fine line between serving other people and being taken advantage of and trampled by them. In order to have healthy relationships with one another, things like that have to be addressed maturely. I'm hoping to write an article on reconciliation and meaningful forgiveness in our relationships in the next month or so.)